My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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