I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
