I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Randomize
