i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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