He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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