Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize
