I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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