I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i just google imaged poop.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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