She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
