i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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