FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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