I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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