you guys were way drunker than both of me
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
We have so much sex to catch up on
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
try to milk me bitch
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