either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
