He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
