just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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