you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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