I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
