If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
