She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Randomize
