nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
