White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
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