totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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