I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
