dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
