Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
