So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
