My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
