Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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