I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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