I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
