I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
