she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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