I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
