I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
