i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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