no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
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