I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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