Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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