Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
