No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
