I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
