Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
