Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
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