So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
