The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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