In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
