After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
