I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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