Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
