I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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