are you so shy because you have an std?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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