***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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