Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
there was a trapeze. enough said
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
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