Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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