I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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